Axioms and Aphorisms
"Tens don't marry ones no matter what either one of
them wants you to think."
"True love does not need lawyers, but a prenuptial contract is good
insurance if you guessed wrong."
"Don't tell me you love him/her and then say you need a lawyer because you
don't trust her/him."
"You've come a long way, baby. You might even have to pay child support."
It takes two people to be married, but it only takes one to be divorced.
"It takes a man and a woman to make a baby. It takes parents to raise a
child. A child should be raised, not just grow up."
"The government doesn't want to raise your child. A guardian ad litem does
not want to be the only adult your child can trust or see as taking care of
her. You didn't ask anybody's permission to have this child. Why must a
system now make decisions about this child simply because parents have
become incapable of focusing on parenting their
"You gotta love your children more than you hate
each other."--Judge Judy
"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was,
the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may
be different because I was important in the life of a child." --
"Let's kill all the lawyers!"-- William
Shakespeare, Henry VI, part v, ii, 86
LAWYER, n. Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
What is a criminal lawyer?
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped
in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers
are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister,
you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
An attorney and an engineer argued about which of their professions was
established first. The engineer claimed his was because "In the beginning,
there was only chaos. Order was created from that chaos. It must have been
engineers who created that order." The lawyer laughed and replied "and just
who do you think caused all of that chaos?"
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The
disappointed groom took St. Peter aside and asked him if it was still
possible for them to be married. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter
replied. "Check back after five years, and if you still want to be married
we will talk about it." Five years passed and the couple came back,
repeating their request. "Sorry, you must wait another five years," St.
Peter told them. Fortunately after the wait St. Peter said they could be
married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but
then they realized they had made a mistake. They went to see St. Peter, this
time to ask for a divorce. "What?" St. Peter asked. "It took us ten years to
find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"--Quoted by Linda
Vaughan in San Antonio Express-News.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the road eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He
asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you " the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to
the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too."
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to
the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
These are from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
ATTORNEY: What was the first
thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you
in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia
gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if
your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't
it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son,
the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
ATTORNEY: How was your first
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance
here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many
of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses
MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified
to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody
who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that
you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED ?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
(very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
(Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I
could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
- Curt, age 7
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
(Who made that rule?)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8
(Too much detail for his age)
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 ( bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED ?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (
The boy already understands )